The Empress of Long Island

Bread and Circuses

by Erin M. Hadley

Be it hereby resolved that I, Erin M. Hadley, do declare myself on this day, the twenty-first of February in the year of our Lord two thousand and one, Empress of Long Island. I do this inspired by the madness of one Joshua Norton (who, in 1859, declared himself Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico; thank you, Taylor!) and the influence of much cold medication (thank you Earle Hall fever). I shall use this space henceforward to issue proclamations to the Adelphi public.

An issue that leaps to mind initially is that of entertainment of the masses. I firmly believe that the Romans were on the right track with the whole concept of bread and circuses. I feel that if we institute such a policy at Adelphi University, that of supplying food to keep the masses satisfied and entertainment to keep them busy, the occurrence of such on campus problems as drinking and drug use will rapidly decline.

The first step in the implementation of this process will be the feeding of the hungry masses. I recommend that the Grille at Post will henceforward be open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week to serve the Adelphi students pancakes, bagels, and egg-like products free of charge. I cannot however allow the French toast and ice cream to be free of charge, except on Wednesdays, because to do otherwise would just be silly.

Now, how to entertain our well-fed masses? Fear not, your fearless leader has the answer! I have found the newly publicized XFL to show much promise. But the aforementioned extreme football, which I had been led to believe would be bloody and exciting, has failed to make Adelphi weekend life interesting enough for my own personal tastes. So, I decided it best to continue my plan according to Roman tradition.

We will reinstitute gladiatorial games here on campus. I shall create a system in which anyone who pisses me off, particularly those who are rude to the Earle Hall mailroom clerk (you know who you are!), will be entered into a lottery from which contestants for games are drawn. Such games will be centered on meaningless acts of violence that will certainly result in one or both contestants dying in an extremely slow and painful way. When the masses tire of this, we will recruit hungry animals from the Bronx Zoo to which we will feed members of the Christian Coalition (sorry, but we are upholding a certain tradition). Events will take place in the run-down amphitheater in the rear of the Olmsted Theater, or in the Earle Hall Honors Lounge, weather permitting.

Applications are available for participation in the aforementioned games in the Student Government Office. Any and all complaints may be forwarded to the president of SGA who will deal with them accordingly.

Be well, my citizens.