I Didn't Understand: Elliot Smith Commits Suicide

by Jenn Kane

Elliot Smith memorial by grieving fans.

I guess that all of us have our demons. They chase us in our sleep and propel us when we wake. Some demons are stronger than others, running us into corners, making us weary. We--each and every one of us--deal with our demons however we can.

Elliot Smith committed suicide.

It feels so strange even to type that. For those unfamiliar, or even briefly familiar, Smith was one of the most talented musicians of the twentieth century. He was best known for his songs on the Good Will Hunting soundtrack, the ones that got him nominated for a Grammy. But awards don't really mean as much when you're dead.

It's funny, funny in a way that's not really funny at all, that All Music Guide described his songs as "sadcore." It's just that his songs weren't as much sad as they were real. And not real in a way that makes you roll your eyes and think of hippies. His music was more a reflection of reality, in which the pains of broken hearts, lost loves, and everyday frustrations can become utterly overwhelming. He captured perfectly the way someone you used to love becomes something that you can't even recognize.

I can't tell you what it feels like, you may already know.

I just remember that when I turned 20, I needed to go to Ohio. It wasn't so much a sense of direction but a need to runaway. So a friend postponed her obligations for two days and we barreled across state lines. Ohio seemed barren: there were so many billboards and the air felt like that of a morgue. We drove back to New York the next day, our adventurers within apparently satisfied. We crossed over bridges and bodies of water and rain fell in heavy rhythms to the music of Elliot Smith:

There's nothing here that you'll miss
I can guarantee you this
A cloud of smoke
trying to occupy space
what a fucking joke, what a fucking joke
you once talked to me about love
And you painted pictures of a never-never land and
I could've gone to that place
but I didn't understand.

Elliot Smith 1969-2003